connecting with my kids

I'm going to start out with a little bit of honesty. Gavin and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch. It's not that we have fallen out of love, it's just that neither of us are getting enough sleep. Gavin has quit napping. And by "quit napping" I mean, "decided that napping in his bed is no longer desirable, but has no problem falling asleep in the most awkward of places." Places like the playroom floor while playing Nintendo DS, the living room couch, my bed, and my personal favourite, his sister's lap while watching TV (not even waking up when she moved him to the ottoman or when I vacuumed the room around him). I think the reason he is able to fall asleep so easily is that he wakes up at 5 in the morning, so he is tired all the time. Which means I am tired all the time since he spends most nights in my bed. And it's kind of hard to sleep when you have a 2-year-old beside you at 5am, yelling "MAP" to Dora on the iPad.

Because Gavin is tired, he has a lot of meltdowns. You parents of toddlers know what I'm talking about. Screaming, crying, and writhing on the floor because he doesn't want to wear the kangaroo shirt, but you can't tell what shirt he does want to wear because he can barely talk, so you take all his shirts of out the drawer, but it turns out he just wants to be shirtless. Yep, those meltdowns. And because I am tired, I have very little patience for meltdowns. Herein lies the problem.

In my head, I know that I am the adult and I should be able to handle this. I mean, I've been doing it for 6 years now. But it's just so frustrating. I know that I don't want to yell at him, or spank him, or put him in a time-out. I know that he just needs some connection time with me, but all I really want to do is hide out in my room with earplugs.

So I have to ask myself, "Would the thing that I want to do right now help or hurt our relationship?" So, things like spanking and yelling and time-outs are definitely out, as they would just drive a wedge between us. And hiding out in my room while he screams is also out, because all he wants is to be with me. So what to do?

Yesterday, after a fantastic meltdown, I decided to take him to the park. Traditional parenting wisdom might say that rewarding this type of behaviour will only encourage it. I tend to disagree with most traditional parenting practices, however, so I think that is ridiculous. (The book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn was an amazing eye-opening look at why we do the things we do as parents, and I highly recommend it to every parent.) So instead of removing myself from Gavin, both physically and emotionally, I decided to do something that would bring us closer together.

And you know what? It was awesome. The kids had such a fun time, but I think I got more out of it than they did. When I play and laugh and have fun with my kids, it is so easy to remember just how much I love them. It is easy to overlook the meltdowns and frustrations when I feel so connected to them. I love them fiercely and completely no matter what, but the feeling of love is easier when we are happy and connected. And the more time I spend playing with them, the more I realize just how cool they are. I love the conversations we have, I love the games they come up with for us to play, I love watching them squeal with delight as I push them higher on the swing, I love just being with them.

So even though I get angry and frustrated, I am trying to always be cognizant of our relationship. Because, in the end, it is more important than anything else. It doesn't really matter what shirt Gavin wears, or what time Ella goes to bed, or what Liam eats for lunch, or whether the dishes get done. In the grand scheme of things, those are all inconsequential. What does matter is showing my kids that I love them, being connected to them, and making sure they know that I will always put our relationship above everything else.