why "early learning" doesn't help

I recently came across an interesting article from the Institute of Marriage and Family Canada. The article, called "Nurturing Children: Why 'early learning' doesn't help" is based on an interview with Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a Canadian developmental psychologist and best-selling author of Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers. (I haven't read his book yet, but it is definitely on my ever-growing "to read" list!)

The article is well worth reading in it's entirety, but to sum it up, Dr. Neufeld believes that kids don't need any sort of "early learning" until they are at least six years old - no daycare, no preschool, no junior kindergarten, no kindergarten. He says that parents put their kids into these sorts of programs under the impression that they need to be socialized, but Dr. Neufeld emphatically states, "Probably the greatest myth that has evolved is this idea that socializing with one's equals leads to socialization." Another developmental psychologist, Urie Bronfenbrenner has this to say: "It should be clear that being socialized is not necessarily the same as being civilized. Nazi youth were also products of a socialization process." The article defines socialization as "rendering children fit for society so that children can grow and mature into becoming contributing adults, who can respectfully interact with others in community, be it at work or home, with colleagues, family and friends....Socialization involves being able to get along with others while at the same time being true to oneself."

So then how does socialization happen? Attachment. We are social creatures, and it is important for us to have close relationships. It is through these relationships that we develop a sense of self, according to developmental psychologist John Bowlby. If children spend most of their time with peers, they become peer attached instead of developing a strong attachment to the adult(s) in their lives. If children create these peer attachments too early, they do not have a strong enough sense of self, and so are unable to hold on to their uniqueness. Peers become more and more alike, creating a "sameness" among children. Helen Ward (president of Kids First Parents Association) says that the problem with socializing at school is that "kid's 'friends' are not really 'friends' in any meaningful sense of the word. They are not mature people who can handle another's pain or difference of opinion. Peers want you to be the same as them."

Dr. Neufeld believes that the capacity for healthy relationships unfolds during the first six years of a person's life. He says that "by the fifth year of life, if everything is continuous and safe, then emotional intimacy begins. A child gives his heart to whomever he is attached to."

I, for one, would like my children to give their hearts to me. Before I even read this article or learned a whole lot about peer attachments, I knew that sending my kids to school would cause a change in our relationship. I just knew that sending our kids to daycares and preschools was something that I didn't want to do. Call it mother's intuition, or whatever, but I love that I now have research which backs up our decision to home educate! Because now I have a "legitimate" answer for anyone who asks me about socialization, or is worried that my kids aren't making enough friends.

The article also talks a bit to parents who are have already enrolled their kids in these types of "early learning" programs. If you have put your kid in early care because you think they need to be socialized,  Dr. Neufeld wants you to know that "this is not a researched reason to do so." For parents who need to have their kids in care because of full time employment, perhaps "unregulated" care in the home of a trusted adult would be better than a "one-size-fits-all" government regulated system, which is less personal and more distant from parents.

To this I would also add, perhaps you don't need to be employed at all. I stay at home to be with my kids. This means that we don't have fancy cars, we don't have a huge brand new house, we hardly ever go out to eat, we don't have cable, all our furniture is from Ikea or craigslist, we don't buy a lot of clothes, we don't go on expensive vacations, and we don't own a boat or trailer, but despite all this (or perhaps because of all this), we are happy. I know that there are many families who need two incomes to cover the basic necessities of life. I get it. But I also know that we have become a consumer culture, greedy for the newest and best of everything, so now both partners need to work to pay for all this stuff. Do we really need all this stuff?

I'm probably stepping on some toes here. But if you're mad at me, then at least I've got you thinking. And I'm ok with that.

away we go!

One of the most exciting things about unschooling, for our family, is the possibility of travel. Without being tied to a school schedule, or having to worry about Provincial Learning Outcomes, we are free to travel the world! I would love to save up some money, rent out our house, and just go for a year. How amazing would it be for our kids to experience other cultures, meet different people, learn new languages, try exotic foods, and make unforgettable family memories? Pretty amazing, I think!

Ella and I are going to start off our travel adventures next week with a trip to exciting Manitoba, Canada. I know, it's not China or Uganda or Ireland, but we have a very good reason for choosing Manitoba. We have the most amazing friends who moved there recently, and it just happened that the timing worked for both of us, and visa points could foot the bill, so away we go!

Ella is so excited to go on an airplane. The last time she took to the skies, she was 18 months old and doesn't remember a thing about it. Probably for the best, as she cried the entire way home from Toronto. Hopefully this flight goes a little better. And, of course, she is also beyond excited to spend time with her friends.

I am more nervous than excited, at least about the flight. I'm not afraid of flying or anything, but when your daughter has a life-threatening peanut allergy, it's pretty scary to be trapped thousands of miles away from a hospital with a hundred other people who are probably eating peanuts, peanut butter sandwiches, and peanut M&Ms. We are taking the necessary precautions, but the risk is still there.

For any of you who don't know us, Ella is about as allergic as a person can be to peanut. We're talking throat-swelling, unable-to-breathe, violently-vomiting, heart-stopping, possible-death allergic. We always carry at least two EpiPens anywhere we go, we have to be extremely careful about what she eats, and we have to control her environment, because literally a speck of peanut protein that enters her body can cause anaphylactic shock. So think about all the times you see people on flights popping nuts into their mouths and then touching the arm rest, tv screen, seat pocket, seatbelt, etc, etc, etc. Peanut protein everywhere!

But (and this is a big but) we are determined not to let her allergy dictate our lives. Sure, she has to be safe, and it makes "simple" things (like dinner out or an airplane ride) a lot more complicated, but that doesn't mean we can't do these things. It just takes more planning, research and caution than your average family. And if we're going to do as much travel as we are planning to, then we'll just have to get used to it!

So even though I am nervous, I am also beyond excited. The friends that we are going to visit are unschoolers, just like us. (In fact, these are the friends that introduced us to the whole idea of unschooling, which I wrote about in why we unschool.) And now that we've been on this journey for a little while, I am starting to realize how much we need people in our world who "get" us, and this wonderful family probably "gets" us better than anyone else. Other homeschool moms come close, but they still look at me with a mixture of confusion and doubt when I tell them that we don't go for the whole "school-at-home" thing. Other Christian parents share our faith, but they don't share our educational philosophies. Not that I can't be friends with these people, obviously! We love all our friends dearly and are so thankful for their friendship and support! But I've realized that it's also important for us to have people that we can discuss "unschooling things" with. People with whom we can share our fears, talk about milestones, share resources, discuss books, talk about ideas, discuss our educational philosophy, and offer support. So I am incredibly thankful for this opportunity to spend some quality time with my lovely friend! I just wish she lived closer so we could see them more often!

So in just one week, we'll be off! I'm sure we will both have fun, learn lots, and even be able to check "socialization" off our list for this week. ;)

saying "yes" to cupcakes

I have recently decided to make a conscious effort to say "yes" to my kids more often, intentionally and unselfishly. Sometimes that means letting them wear old ballet costumes all day long, or eating a lunch consisting entirely of foods that are orange. Many times it means going to the playground when I don't really feel like it, or watching for hours on end while they perform a "show" for me.

Recently, I said "yes" to a library book.

Ella found a book all about cupcake decorating and decided she would take it home, find a recipe, and make it. To me it sounded like a lot of work for no reason. To her it sounded like the greatest idea ever. So I said "yes."

The whole ride home she poured over the book. She asked me about different ingredients, and realized that she would need to go to the store. She told me we would need butter that is very soft, at which point Liam piped up from the back to inform us all that we would have to take the butter out of the fridge for a long time to make it soft. When we got home she sat and looked at the book for hours. She showed me pictures of her favourite cupcakes. She showed me pictures of amazing cupcakes. She shared her enthusiasm every time she read something that delighted her.

The finished product!

Finally, she chose the cupcakes that she would make: chocolate cupcakes with chocolate fudge topping and jelly beans. So we went to the kitchen to see what ingredients we would need. She sat at the table, book spread open, pen in hand, ready to make a list. She wrote down all the things she needed, and we were off.

At the grocery store, she found the items on her list, and crossed them off. We had to go to another store to find peanut-free jelly beans, and then we were done. As soon as we got home, Ella rushed to the kitchen to start assembling the ingredients. And, of course, she made sure to put on her apron.

She followed all the instructions, reading them aloud from the book for me. At first she read every fraction she saw as "half," so we had to pause for a quick lesson in fractions - what 1/2 and 1/4 and 3/4 actually mean, and how to say them. I showed her how to turn on the oven, how to measure the dry ingredients, how to measure the butter (after some brief calculating to figure out how much exactly 7 tablespoons is equal to), and how to use the Kitchen Aid mixer. She showed me that she already knew how to crack the eggs into the bowl. Liam put the cupcake papers into the tin and counted them, learning what a "dozen" means.

After they were baked, we started on the topping. I showed the kids how a double boiler works and why we use it to melt chocolate. They stood at the stove stirring as the chocolate melted and the sauce thickened. They were so amazed at the transformation! And then came the best part - decorating. Ella spooned the sauce onto the cupcakes and then we added the jelly beans on top. Done!

They were so proud of their work, and SO excited to try them, so when they asked if we could have cupcakes at 4:30 in the afternoon, what else could I say but, "Yes!" Although I had to draw the line when Liam asked for a second one at 4:35. I still have to say "no" sometimes.

So it turned out to be pretty easy to say "yes" to this particular request. It took up a whole day of our time, but we have the freedom to do that. Ella practiced her reading, writing, math, and learned a bunch of baking skills, all the time having fun. A pretty good day, in my books.

By the way, the cupcakes were delicious. I'm glad I said "yes" this time.

our first "field trip"

My kids LOVE the zoo, so we have a family membership and go there all the time. Ella's favourite are the zebras, especially now that they have a baby zebra. Liam likes to watch the bird show, especially the super fast falcon. Gavin loves any bird he sees, whether it's an exotic ostrich or a finch trying to scrounge some lunch. And all three of them really like to go on the miniature train ride. Personally, I love to watch the baboons.

So when the local homeschool group that I belong to planned a field trip to the zoo, I was excited to join in. The kids would get to hang out with other school-age kids, and we would get to explore the zoo together. Win-win!

Except that's not exactly how it worked out. I had never been on a field trip before (unless you count my own school days, eons ago, which I can barely remember now), so I didn't quite know what to expect. There was not too much exploring. Our day was planned, almost to the minute, and filled with "educational" experiences. Not too much hanging out, either. The only time the kids had to play and interact with each other was after lunch when they all raced off to the playground together. Unfortunately, we were scheduled to ride the train right after lunch, so playtime lasted all of about 7 minutes. It was still a fun day, just a lot different than I expected. To me, the day felt like school at the zoo. Which I suppose is what any field trip really is - school at some location other than school. I just didn't realize that until we got there.

The real problem I had, however, was with the "educational program" that we participated in. For $2 per kid, a zoo employee gives a little talk as they take us around to see a few of the animals. Sounds good in theory, right? The kids get to learn a bit more about the animals than they might from just looking at them. So we signed up for the a program that was all about the food chain. As soon as we met the leader of the program, she took one look at my kids and told me that they wouldn't understand her talk because they were too little. She didn't ask how old they were, she didn't talk to them, she didn't enquire about their prior knowledge on the topic. She just assumed that they wouldn't get it. I was a little ticked off, but I just told her not to worry about them and to go on with the talk. If they wanted to listen, they could. So she began. And she talked to the kids like they were deaf. Honestly, I've never seen someone talk so slowly, and annunciate so deliberately, to a group of kids. Perhaps she thought that if she talked slow enough, my not-so-bright kids might have a chance of understanding? I don't know.

And then it got worse. A big part of her talk involved kid volunteers reading off laminated cards about different parts of the food chain. Of course, Ella put up her little hand every time. The leader had to acknowledge her, since not too many other kids wanted to read at that point. She looked at Ella and said, "Are you sure you can read this? There are some really hard words." What I thought was, Are you kidding me? A kid who is probably fairly new to reading is volunteering to do it in front of a crowd and your reaction is to tell her that she won't be able to do it? What I said was, "She can do it, just let her try." So Ella went up to the front and started to read aloud. It was about grass, so when Ella came to the word "chlorophyll," she stopped and said she couldn't do it. Well, of course. She had just been told she wouldn't be able to do it. The leader sweetly said, "How about your mom comes up to read with you?" So I joined Ella up at the front and read aloud all the words she refused to read. The frustrating thing was that I know if she had been reading that paragraph on her own, she would have read all the words. She may have mispronounced a couple, but at least she would have tried instead of just shutting down. It makes me sad that this was her first experience reading aloud in front of peers.

It got me thinking, though. How many kids at school have the same type of experience with reading aloud? It can be a daunting task, especially when you are young and new to reading. It seems to me that an adult in this situation should encourage the child, rather than discourage. (Of course, there are some great teachers out there who would do just that, but I'm sure there are also some "less great" teachers, too.) Another thing it made me realize was that this woman, who assumed Ella wouldn't be able to read this particular paragraph, just witnessed Ella not being able to read it. She probably thinks that she was correct in her judgement of Ella. Of course, I know differently. I know how well Ella can read because I get to witness it every day. No big deal for us. However, what about all those kids at school who are plunked into the "remedial" reading group simply because of the way they read aloud? I don't have any stats on this, but I bet there are a lot of kids whose skills are not truly known by their teachers. And why does it matter? Well, I have actually read (in one of the many books that I have read about school, though I don't remember which one) that kids who are in the lower reading group in early elementary school are worse off for their whole school career, and beyond. Scary.

Now, I do realize that the leader of this program was probably trying to be helpful by warning me that my kids are younger than other participants, and by warning Ella of the difficulty of the paragraph. However, the message she was sending was that Ella would not be able do the task, because of her perceived age and assumed reading level. And Ella received that message loud and clear. The lady told me I wouldn't be able to read these hard words, and that mom would need to do it for me, so I'm not going to bother trying. If the leader had concerns, perhaps she could have asked me beforehand about Ella's age, her reading level, and her knowledge of the topic. I could have told her that Ella reads at least as well as the average 3rd grader, and that she knows a fair bit about animals from the countless books she gets from the library.

Regardless, both Ella and Liam learned a fair bit from her presentation. They walked around the zoo afterwards talking about herbivores, omnivores and carnivores. They discussed which category humans fell into, and what we eat. Pretty good for a couple of kids who couldn't understand because they were too little.

our fundraising project: update!

A couple of weeks ago, Ella and Liam started a new project. A fundraising project, raising money for PWS research. You can read all about it in my initial blog post. We are now 10 days away from the walk, One Small Step for Prader-Willi Syndrome, and I'd like to update you on their progress.

As soon as we set up the donation website, blogged all about it, and shared it on facebook, the donations started pouring in! Within just a few days, they were already half way to their goal of $800, which I had initially thought was quite a lofty goal. They sure showed me!

The kids' uncle showed up with a truck full of empty bottles and cans. Their Grandpa brought over an extremely heavy bag of rolled coins. Relatives and friends from all across Canada donated money through the website. I couldn't believe the generosity!

Ella & Liam composed an email to all their family and friends to tell them about PWS, the walk, and how to donate. And even more donations came in! Their Great Aunt & Uncle brought over bottles and cans that they had been hoarding in the garage all year. Their Auntie gave them money to put in the donation can they made. Friends brought cash. And even more relatives and friends donated through the website.

So proud of their sorting job!

By this point, our garage was starting to look like a recycling centre, so we sorted the bottles and cans into bags, and took a trip to the bottle depot. Our entire van was filled; there was barely enough room for the kids to sit. At the depot, it was hot and smelly, and the three of us were in there for much longer than I would have liked, but Ella and Liam loved it. They sorted and counted like pros. They watched the guys working at the back and figured out where they were putting all the different items. They talked to everyone. They asked questions. They guessed how much money we would make. And in the end, they learned the value of hard work when they were rewarded with $59.85. I have never earned more than $12 at the bottle depot, so I was pretty impressed! They took the money home and added it to the can right away.

You're probably wondering what the grand total is, right? Well, I am proud to announce that over the past two weeks, my 3- and 5-year-old kids have raised about $600. With 10 days to go, they are only $200 away from their goal. I honestly can't believe it! The generosity of our family and friends has been amazing. We appreciate every single cent that you all have donated! And I know that Ellie and her family appreciate it, too.

On top of the obvious benefit of raising money for a worthy cause, I am so excited for all that my kids are learning, too. By doing all the different activities associated with this fundraising campaign, they have worked on the following skills: counting, sorting, writing, speaking, researching, counting money, planning, goal setting, progress tracking, empathy, fundraising, project management, and so much more. This campaign has been such a valuable real-world learning experience for them. As John Holt says, children learn more from doing actual, serious, meaningful work, than from doing activities thought up by adults to try and teach them about real work. Instead of reading a book about fundraising and then doing a worksheet, my kids have had the opportunity to actually fundraise. And in doing this serious, meaningful work, they have also learned all those things that they may have learned sitting in math class, or language arts, or whatever you want to classify it as. But they have had fun. And they have learned these things in the real world.

Since there are still 10 days left in the campaign, if you'd like to be a part of it, feel free to donate through our website, or contact me if you'd like to donate any change or bottles and cans. Thank you for your support!

it's official!

Our "not back to school" photo:
Ella is teaching Liam to say "squirrel"

Well, here we are on the second day of school. Actually, I guess that's not where WE are at all. That's where everyone else is. At least that's what it feels like to me. Most of my news feed on facebook over the past two days has been filled with photos of kids starting school: kids in cute backpacks, kids in mismatched "first day of school" outfits, kids in uniforms, kids with lunchboxes, kids laughing, kids looking close to tears, tiny kids standing in front of huge school buildings, huge kids standing in front of huge school buildings...you get the picture. It feels like we are the only ones on the planet NOT going to school this week!

Up until today, all this "home education" stuff was just something we were planning to do, but now that the first day of kindergarten has come and gone, it seems official. We are officially homeschooling. Not going to school. Huh.

I admit, I am a little nervous. Or a lot nervous. I mean, if homeschooling is so great, why aren't more people doing it? If school is so terrible, why are so many kids there today? Are we doing the right thing? Perhaps after reading my blog, you might think that I have it all figured out, but let me assure you that I do not. As with any important parenting decision, all I can do is learn as much as I can, pray as much as I can, and hope that my kids turn out ok.

Don't get me wrong, though, because I am absolutely convinced that we are doing the best thing for our kids and our family. I am so thankful that they are here with me today instead of at school. I am so thankful that we have the freedom to be able to do this financially. I am so excited for the journey that God is leading our family on. But we all have doubts sometimes, right? Especially when we are doing something so out of the ordinary, against the grain, and just plain different than everyone else.

I was encouraged by an email that I got yesterday from a Canadian homeschooling association. They did a survey of education standards across the country, and found that children are well prepared for the first grade if they can do the following:

• recognize alphabet and some words;
• print first name;
• count and recognize numbers up to 20, group items together according to the number;
• know basic shapes, sort and classify objects and animals;
• communicate by asking questions and telling simple stories or facts;
• express their feelings;
• understand how to share;
• listen to others;
• understand and follow simple directions;
• start to understand time, i.e., calendar;
• know facts about their community; and
• be able to create a drawing and enjoy music.

Well, if that's all it takes to graduate kindergarten, then Liam is ready for the first grade. I think I can handle this whole homeschooling thing. And I know God can handle all my doubts.

back-to-school anxieties?

The other day I was at the library with the kids. After picking out a giant heap of books (with topics ranging from turkeys, to space, to ballet, to structures, to sight, to storybooks and novels), the kids wanted to spend some time playing with the toys in the kids area. As unlikely as it may seem, I looked around at my kids, saw that all three were playing nicely, and decided that maybe I would have time to find a magazine and read a couple of articles. Naturally, I chose a parenting magazine (the September 2012 edition of Today's Parent), sat on the couch, sipped my unfortunately cold coffee, and opened it up.

I flipped through the magazine, scanning many articles, and quickly realized that this was the "back-to-school" issue. Great. I get 10 minutes to read something, and most of the articles are irrelevant to me. However, one particular article jumped out at me. It was just one page long, titled, "The Dreaded Drop-Off." It was all about how to drop-off your preschooler, kindergartner, or first grader at school, without tears (theirs) or guilt (yours). The article listed a number of reasons why a young child might get upset about going to school, and gave parents helpful hints about overcoming them. For example, if your child is afraid that you are going to drop him off at school and never pick him up again, you should leave some "collateral" with him, such as a watch or necklace, so that he knows you are coming back. Makes sense, right? Mom might not come back for me, but I know she would never abandon her watch. Another tip was to write "XO" on your child's palm, so that any time she needed a kiss from you, she could just press her palm to her lips. As a last resort, the article suggested good old-fashioned bribery: give him a sticker for the chart any day you drop him off without tears.

On the surface, this article seems helpful: a bunch of great tips on how to make your child feel better and stop crying every time you leave them at school. But what if we just didn't make them cry in the first place?

Let's think about the root of the problem for a moment. Your 5-year-old does not want to be separated from you for an entire day. Can you blame him? From birth (and even before), a mother is a child's whole world. She is the child's main source of nourishment, love, care, acceptance, laughter, comfort, play, and so many more things. Why do we assume that 5 is the magic age when a child is ready to spend most of his waking hours away from the one person he has come to depend on most? To go a step further, why do we think that "socialization" is so important that we need to isolate kids who are 3- and 4-years-old from their mothers as well?

Our western society has become almost obsessed with starting kids at school younger and younger. The earlier they start school, the more they will learn, right? As if 5 wasn't too early already, now it is completely normal to start a kid in "junior kindergarten" at age 4, which is a full-day program in many schools. And almost everyone starts their child in some sort of a preschool at age 3. But do these kids really need to start their schooling so young? If we take a look at Finland, which is widely regarded as having one of the best school systems in the world, we see another picture. Children in Finland do not start any formal instruction at all until age 7. (They also spend the least number of hours in the classroom, but that's off-topic for now.) And yet, they have higher test scores than kids from any other country. Clearly they didn't need to be taught anything before age 7.

As I read the article from Today's Parent, and as I hear parents talk (or post on facebook) about how upset they are at the thought of sending their "babies" away all day, I feel an overwhelming sadness. I am sad for the kids who just want a kiss from mommy, but all they get is an "XO" on their hand. I am sad for the kids who feel abandoned every morning. I am sad for the kids who are trying hard not to cry in front of their moms and peers. Even if homeschooling is not for everyone, maybe all that kids need is a couple more years with the person they love best.