connecting with my kids

I'm going to start out with a little bit of honesty. Gavin and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch. It's not that we have fallen out of love, it's just that neither of us are getting enough sleep. Gavin has quit napping. And by "quit napping" I mean, "decided that napping in his bed is no longer desirable, but has no problem falling asleep in the most awkward of places." Places like the playroom floor while playing Nintendo DS, the living room couch, my bed, and my personal favourite, his sister's lap while watching TV (not even waking up when she moved him to the ottoman or when I vacuumed the room around him). I think the reason he is able to fall asleep so easily is that he wakes up at 5 in the morning, so he is tired all the time. Which means I am tired all the time since he spends most nights in my bed. And it's kind of hard to sleep when you have a 2-year-old beside you at 5am, yelling "MAP" to Dora on the iPad.

Because Gavin is tired, he has a lot of meltdowns. You parents of toddlers know what I'm talking about. Screaming, crying, and writhing on the floor because he doesn't want to wear the kangaroo shirt, but you can't tell what shirt he does want to wear because he can barely talk, so you take all his shirts of out the drawer, but it turns out he just wants to be shirtless. Yep, those meltdowns. And because I am tired, I have very little patience for meltdowns. Herein lies the problem.

In my head, I know that I am the adult and I should be able to handle this. I mean, I've been doing it for 6 years now. But it's just so frustrating. I know that I don't want to yell at him, or spank him, or put him in a time-out. I know that he just needs some connection time with me, but all I really want to do is hide out in my room with earplugs.

So I have to ask myself, "Would the thing that I want to do right now help or hurt our relationship?" So, things like spanking and yelling and time-outs are definitely out, as they would just drive a wedge between us. And hiding out in my room while he screams is also out, because all he wants is to be with me. So what to do?

Yesterday, after a fantastic meltdown, I decided to take him to the park. Traditional parenting wisdom might say that rewarding this type of behaviour will only encourage it. I tend to disagree with most traditional parenting practices, however, so I think that is ridiculous. (The book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn was an amazing eye-opening look at why we do the things we do as parents, and I highly recommend it to every parent.) So instead of removing myself from Gavin, both physically and emotionally, I decided to do something that would bring us closer together.

And you know what? It was awesome. The kids had such a fun time, but I think I got more out of it than they did. When I play and laugh and have fun with my kids, it is so easy to remember just how much I love them. It is easy to overlook the meltdowns and frustrations when I feel so connected to them. I love them fiercely and completely no matter what, but the feeling of love is easier when we are happy and connected. And the more time I spend playing with them, the more I realize just how cool they are. I love the conversations we have, I love the games they come up with for us to play, I love watching them squeal with delight as I push them higher on the swing, I love just being with them.

So even though I get angry and frustrated, I am trying to always be cognizant of our relationship. Because, in the end, it is more important than anything else. It doesn't really matter what shirt Gavin wears, or what time Ella goes to bed, or what Liam eats for lunch, or whether the dishes get done. In the grand scheme of things, those are all inconsequential. What does matter is showing my kids that I love them, being connected to them, and making sure they know that I will always put our relationship above everything else.

a word from God

Recently I attended a "Ladies Night Out" event at our new church. It was a crafting night. For any of you that know me well, this is kind of a big deal. I'm not the type of person who is comfortable in a large group of people, especially when I don't know most of them. And I'm definitely not crafty. Not even a little bit. (In fact, I recently went to a craft store and bought some cheap photo frames and spray paint, thinking that I would save a bunch of money by doing it myself...they are now in the trash.) So this event was the epitome of out-of-my-comfort-zone.

For the project, I had to look up the meaning of my name, and think about what it revealed about my character. I had always known that Naomi means pleasant and delightful. Pretty excellent name, right? But that evening, I found out that it also means holy. That kind of freaked me out at first. Holy? I'm not holy! I am sometimes pleasant (depending on the time of the month), often delightful, but holy? Hmm...maybe I would leave that one out of the craft.

I couldn't get it out of my head, though, so I started to think about what it means to be holy. Set apart. Not conforming to the world. These were some of the phrases that kept coming to mind, and I knew they were in the Bible somewhere. Later on, I did a search to find those phrases and found lots of verses, one of which was Romans 12:2 (NKJV): And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. The funny thing was, I had just written down that exact verse a few days earlier, but in a different version (NLT): Don't copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Huh. So maybe this is why God wanted me to go to Ladies Night Out.

I thought a lot about what God wanted to tell me through this verse, and it occurred to me that the lifestyle we have chosen is very "set apart" from the world. It seems like we have been questioning everything lately. Big things and little things. We have chosen not to be part of the school system because we knew that it was best for our kids and our family. We have chosen not to have Barbies in our house because we don't like they message they send young kids. We have chosen not to let our kids watch cable TV because we have witnessed how much it changes their behaviour and hinders their imagination. We have chosen to give our kids freedom to make their own decisions because we recognize that they are human beings with their own desires, just like any adult. We have chosen not to over-schedule our kids in activities and groups because we want them to have free time to play and just be kids. We have chosen to parent our kids in a gentle way (rather than using punishments, rewards and spankings to force them to obey), because we recognize that their needs and feelings are just as important as any adult's, and we want to treat them with respect so they will learn how to be respectful. So many of these choices are not the choices that other families would make. But I have realized that it's ok. Romans 12:2 tells us not to copy the behaviours of this world. For our family, that means making a lot of choices that might seem odd to other people.

I think God wanted to let me know that I'm on the right track. That I'm learning to know His will for me. His good, pleasing, and perfect will for ME. And that His will for me (and for our family) is going to look different than His will for other families. So I am happy to continue this journey, to keep learning, and to keep discovering what God has in store for us.

As a reminder and testament to what God is doing in our lives, I decided to make a poster of this verse. And since we all know how crafty I am, I designed it in photoshop and had it printed really big. It now hangs in our front hallway. Ella reads it every time we go out, so I hope it helps her realize that she doesn't need to copy the behaviours of this world, either.

ella's workbook

When we went on our recent trip to Manitoba, Ella wanted to take a puzzle book with her. Since she had already completed every maze, word search, spot-the-difference, dot-to-dot, matching, and decoding puzzle in our house, we went out to buy her a new book. The one she chose was one of those schoolish workbooks, filled with activities to help you understand and practice what they are teaching at school. She chose the fattest one she could find, with three subjects in it: math, reading, and writing at the grade 1 level.

She did a few pages during the flight, but wasn't too into it. However, today she has spent a good chunk of the day engrossed in all the activities in the book. She whipped through the math section, skipping the pages that seemed boring or pointless. She was even faster through the reading section, reading the little passages, and answering all the questions. (Apparently, although not surprisingly, she is quite adept at reading comprehension.) Then she went to work on the writing section, practicing her upper- and lowercase letters on the dotted lines. Finally she quit the book and went to the playroom with Liam.

I've been thinking about this workbook a lot. At first, it made me kind of proud to watch her do it. It proved that Ella is capable of doing all the work required of first grade students. Sweet! I must be doing something right! But the more I thought about it, the more ridiculous this book seemed to me. As she was completing all the activities, I could tell that she wasn't actually learning anything. Literally. She was learning NOTHING.

For example, there were a lot of questions about money. The book showed pictures of all the coins, told what they are all worth, and gave little math problems like, "John has this much money, and spends this much on a gumball, so how much does he have left?" Well, Ella already knows money because she uses money in real life.

In the reading section, it showed examples of things you might come across in real life, such as a birthday invitation and grocery list, and asked several reading comprehension questions about each. That was easy for Ella because she regularly makes and uses grocery lists. She actually does come across these things all the time in real life.

She already understood the fractions because of all the baking we do. She didn't need to learn any of the words on the "sight words" reading list because she already knows all the sight words (and why wouldn't she - if you spend enough time reading, you get to know words like and, the, she and it really well). The reading comprehension was way too easy for her because she already spends most her waking hours reading and comprehending (and without being quizzed on it, too). The writing practice was kind of boring - what's the point in writing the same letter over and over? In fact, the more I thought about the book, the more I realized how pointless the whole thing was.

Why do we need to teach this stuff to kids at school? Every single thing covered in this "comprehensive" workbook is easily learned in real life. EVERY SINGLE THING. (If you don't believe me, I will gladly show you the book.) Ella didn't learn anything from the activities in the book because she had already learned these things just by living her life. I didn't sit down with her for a lesson on "sight words" before I let her read a book. That's absurd! I didn't give her a worksheet on fractions or make her do a bunch of pointless math problems. We baked cupcakes, we counted goldfish crackers, we sorted toys, we found patterns in nature, we counted by 5s and 10s just for fun, we discussed speed and distance while driving, we added up the number of girls and boys in a room, we found the math that's all around us. I didn't make her print letters over and over. She wrote stuff because she had something to say. She wrote real things: cards, grocery lists, her name, books.

However, as pointless as I think this workbook is, I learned something else today. Part of unschooling is allowing your child to learn what and how she wants to. For Ella today, that was doing a schoolish workbook. So even if it's not what I would have chosen for her, I had to respect her choice. And, I must admit, it was cool when I would see her read a page, think for a moment, and then decide that it was a pointless activity. (Kids at school just don't have that option.) And, I must also admit, it gave me a little piece of mind that she is actually learning stuff, even though she's not in a classroom.

it's official!

Our "not back to school" photo:
Ella is teaching Liam to say "squirrel"

Well, here we are on the second day of school. Actually, I guess that's not where WE are at all. That's where everyone else is. At least that's what it feels like to me. Most of my news feed on facebook over the past two days has been filled with photos of kids starting school: kids in cute backpacks, kids in mismatched "first day of school" outfits, kids in uniforms, kids with lunchboxes, kids laughing, kids looking close to tears, tiny kids standing in front of huge school buildings, huge kids standing in front of huge school buildings...you get the picture. It feels like we are the only ones on the planet NOT going to school this week!

Up until today, all this "home education" stuff was just something we were planning to do, but now that the first day of kindergarten has come and gone, it seems official. We are officially homeschooling. Not going to school. Huh.

I admit, I am a little nervous. Or a lot nervous. I mean, if homeschooling is so great, why aren't more people doing it? If school is so terrible, why are so many kids there today? Are we doing the right thing? Perhaps after reading my blog, you might think that I have it all figured out, but let me assure you that I do not. As with any important parenting decision, all I can do is learn as much as I can, pray as much as I can, and hope that my kids turn out ok.

Don't get me wrong, though, because I am absolutely convinced that we are doing the best thing for our kids and our family. I am so thankful that they are here with me today instead of at school. I am so thankful that we have the freedom to be able to do this financially. I am so excited for the journey that God is leading our family on. But we all have doubts sometimes, right? Especially when we are doing something so out of the ordinary, against the grain, and just plain different than everyone else.

I was encouraged by an email that I got yesterday from a Canadian homeschooling association. They did a survey of education standards across the country, and found that children are well prepared for the first grade if they can do the following:

• recognize alphabet and some words;
• print first name;
• count and recognize numbers up to 20, group items together according to the number;
• know basic shapes, sort and classify objects and animals;
• communicate by asking questions and telling simple stories or facts;
• express their feelings;
• understand how to share;
• listen to others;
• understand and follow simple directions;
• start to understand time, i.e., calendar;
• know facts about their community; and
• be able to create a drawing and enjoy music.

Well, if that's all it takes to graduate kindergarten, then Liam is ready for the first grade. I think I can handle this whole homeschooling thing. And I know God can handle all my doubts.