why "early learning" doesn't help

I recently came across an interesting article from the Institute of Marriage and Family Canada. The article, called "Nurturing Children: Why 'early learning' doesn't help" is based on an interview with Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a Canadian developmental psychologist and best-selling author of Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers. (I haven't read his book yet, but it is definitely on my ever-growing "to read" list!)

The article is well worth reading in it's entirety, but to sum it up, Dr. Neufeld believes that kids don't need any sort of "early learning" until they are at least six years old - no daycare, no preschool, no junior kindergarten, no kindergarten. He says that parents put their kids into these sorts of programs under the impression that they need to be socialized, but Dr. Neufeld emphatically states, "Probably the greatest myth that has evolved is this idea that socializing with one's equals leads to socialization." Another developmental psychologist, Urie Bronfenbrenner has this to say: "It should be clear that being socialized is not necessarily the same as being civilized. Nazi youth were also products of a socialization process." The article defines socialization as "rendering children fit for society so that children can grow and mature into becoming contributing adults, who can respectfully interact with others in community, be it at work or home, with colleagues, family and friends....Socialization involves being able to get along with others while at the same time being true to oneself."

So then how does socialization happen? Attachment. We are social creatures, and it is important for us to have close relationships. It is through these relationships that we develop a sense of self, according to developmental psychologist John Bowlby. If children spend most of their time with peers, they become peer attached instead of developing a strong attachment to the adult(s) in their lives. If children create these peer attachments too early, they do not have a strong enough sense of self, and so are unable to hold on to their uniqueness. Peers become more and more alike, creating a "sameness" among children. Helen Ward (president of Kids First Parents Association) says that the problem with socializing at school is that "kid's 'friends' are not really 'friends' in any meaningful sense of the word. They are not mature people who can handle another's pain or difference of opinion. Peers want you to be the same as them."

Dr. Neufeld believes that the capacity for healthy relationships unfolds during the first six years of a person's life. He says that "by the fifth year of life, if everything is continuous and safe, then emotional intimacy begins. A child gives his heart to whomever he is attached to."

I, for one, would like my children to give their hearts to me. Before I even read this article or learned a whole lot about peer attachments, I knew that sending my kids to school would cause a change in our relationship. I just knew that sending our kids to daycares and preschools was something that I didn't want to do. Call it mother's intuition, or whatever, but I love that I now have research which backs up our decision to home educate! Because now I have a "legitimate" answer for anyone who asks me about socialization, or is worried that my kids aren't making enough friends.

The article also talks a bit to parents who are have already enrolled their kids in these types of "early learning" programs. If you have put your kid in early care because you think they need to be socialized,  Dr. Neufeld wants you to know that "this is not a researched reason to do so." For parents who need to have their kids in care because of full time employment, perhaps "unregulated" care in the home of a trusted adult would be better than a "one-size-fits-all" government regulated system, which is less personal and more distant from parents.

To this I would also add, perhaps you don't need to be employed at all. I stay at home to be with my kids. This means that we don't have fancy cars, we don't have a huge brand new house, we hardly ever go out to eat, we don't have cable, all our furniture is from Ikea or craigslist, we don't buy a lot of clothes, we don't go on expensive vacations, and we don't own a boat or trailer, but despite all this (or perhaps because of all this), we are happy. I know that there are many families who need two incomes to cover the basic necessities of life. I get it. But I also know that we have become a consumer culture, greedy for the newest and best of everything, so now both partners need to work to pay for all this stuff. Do we really need all this stuff?

I'm probably stepping on some toes here. But if you're mad at me, then at least I've got you thinking. And I'm ok with that.

unschooling explained - part 2

If you haven't read it yet, my post yesterday was all about the nuts and bolts of unschooling. I suggest you read that one before you start this one...

As I stated at the end of yesterday's post, there are so many benefits to unschooling that I hadn't even begun to discuss. Besides what the research says about the educational benefits of homeschooling, besides the social benefits of keeping your kids out of a flawed school system, there are "heart" benefits (for lack of a better word). What I'm talking about are those amazing moments you get to have with your kids every day, the lack of scheduling that results in a more relaxed lifestyle, the bond you get to form with your kids, the friendships they get to develop with each other, and so much more.

Let me start by sharing a few quotes from a study done by Dr. Peter Gray, which looked at unschooling families and their personal experiences. One of the open-ended questions he asked was, "What, for your family, have been the biggest benefits of unschooling?" The most common answers were: learning advantages for the child (57% of the respondents gave this answer), family closeness (57%), emotional and social advantages for the child (50%), and family freedom from the schooling schedule (36%). I find it so interesting that "family closeness" ranks just as high as educational benefits. Here are some of the quotes from real families about the benefits they have experienced from unschooling:

Enjoying a family-centered life rather than an institution-centered life has been the biggest benefit of unschooling.

I feel like I'm trying to answer a question about the benefits of breathing. We don't have to schedule, assume, judge, direct, or anxiously evaluate. We just get to enjoy each other.

Hands down, the relationship with our kids has flourished. We have never gone through the typical teen angst or rebellion so often touted as normal. I don't think it is. If you build up your family life where members work together and help one another, where the focus is on happy learning, it's hard NOT to get along and enjoy each other's company! Schools have an insidious way of pitting parents against kids and eroding the relationship that could flourish outside of that environment. When kids, and all people really, can relax and enjoy life and learn and pursue interests, they are happy. When people are happy, they get along better, they work together and inspire one another, learn from one another and grow stronger and healthier. All of that has spilled over into marriage life and all family relationships, including siblings. I knew without a doubt that the learning would happen and that it would be amazing! I didn't expect the stark difference in our relationship with our kids, as compared to what I thought it should be like by what I saw in other families with kids in school. 

The happiness and joy we experience every day is the biggest benefit. Our lives are essentially stress free since we are living our lives the way we want by making the choices that feel good for us. We have a very close relationship built on love, mutual trust, and mutual respect.

The peace, the joy, the trust between us far exceeds anything I imagined possible in parent/child relationships.

Our freedom as a family, the cooperative nature of our relationships and the trust between us that remains intact.

When we began our search for the "perfect school," one of my main anxieties was that when Ella started school, our family dynamics would change, she would start to view her peers as more important than her family, her personality would change as she tried to fit in with the other kids, and I would lose my sweet little girl. Since we made the decision to home educate, none of that concerns me anymore.

I know that as we continue to live and grow together, our relationships will deepen. I will be able to really know my kids. My kids will see each other not only as siblings, but as friends, which I'm confident will last a lifetime. My kids will not be as heavily influenced by their peers, so the values that are important to our family will be able to flourish in their lives. There will be a mutual respect in all our family relationships, as I give them the control to make decisions for themselves. There will be a trust that develops, as I trust them to learn and they trust me to help when necessary. We will be able to have fun together, without worrying about deadlines and workbooks and a certain number hours of teaching per week. We will be able to travel whenever we want, knowing how valuable the learning will be as we explore new places and new cultures. We will be able to relax and enjoy the little things in life, without worrying about morning bells, homework, or project deadlines. We will each have the time to pursue our own passions, as well as the time to help each other in those pursuits.

As I sit here and type, it is so difficult to put into words what having my kids at home really means to me, to our family. As I picture the life we have chosen, I get choked up just thinking about it. If you are a home educating family, you know what I'm talking about. My heart is filled with an immense peace. We are happy.

unschooling explained

There are probably many of you wondering about this whole "unschooling" thing. You probably have the same question that I did at first: is unschooling a legitimate educational option, or is it just a fancy way to skip school? Personally, I had to read a number of books, websites and research studies to come up with an answer that satisfied me, but I will try my best to condense what I learned, and explain the concept of unschooling in one blog post.

The fundamental belief of unschoolers is that humans have an innate desire to learn, and that left to their own devices, will do so willingly and with fervor. If we apply this philosophy to children, unschoolers believe that when you take away the tests, assignments, and requirements to learn, kids will learn because they want to, and they will be excited to do it.

So, if we take it to the simplest level, unschooling means that instead of following a set curriculum, children are free to pursue their interests, follow their passions, figure out who they are, explore their world, play, grow, live. Unschooling doesn't mean that a child will never take a class, or never read a textbook, or that parents will never teach anything. All it means is that the child is directing the learning. When a child is interested in reading, the parent can provide books, read to the child, help sound out words, and listen as the child reads book after book after book. The difference between unschooling and schooling is that the parent will wait until the child is ready to read. In school, if a child can't read by age 7 or 8, they fall behind their peers and can be labeled with a learning disability. However, an unschooled child, allowed to learn at their own pace, will have a much more relaxed experience learning to read, and will often enjoy reading much more than a schooled child. Many unschooled children take classes at community colleges, often while still in their teenage years, because they are interested in the subject. Unschoolers also have more time to take "extra-curricular" classes like ballet, karate, art, or piano.

Because an unschooler's learning does not have to come from textbooks and teachers (unless they chose that route), they have the freedom to learn from many different sources, both inside and outside the home: books, documentaries, the grocery store, the backyard, a farm, professionals working in a field that interests the child, the park, relatives, friends, games, museums, festivals, volunteering, working, and so much more. An unschooler learns all the time, wherever they are, by participating in real life.

The philosophy sounded great to me, but the major question I had was, "Without tests and assignments, how will I know my child is learning?" The only answer I have is, you just will. Because here's the thing: when you're with your kids all the time, you are having conversations all day, you are seeing what they are doing, and you can tell when they "get" something. They will suddenly bring up a concept they learned weeks before, and you know it has stuck. You see the joy when they finally accomplish something they have worked so hard at. You hear the questions they ask and you know they are thinking at a deeper level.

The other major concern I had with homeschooling in general was, "Does homeschooling work? Is it good for kids?" I read a number of studies, both from the US and Canada, about homeschooling. One study by Lawrence M. Rudner gave a good overview of the demographics and test scores of homeschool families (it is from the US but Canadian studies show very similar results). What it showed was that parents of homeschoolers are more highly educated than the general population, homeschooling families tend to have a higher income, homeschooled kids watch far less TV, homeschoolers score better in every subject area at every age than kids in both public and private schools, it makes no difference to test scores if a homeschooled kid has a parent who is a certified teacher, students homeschooled their entire life have higher test scores than those who also spent some time in school, and (most importantly to me) these benefits of homeschooling were true for kids enrolled in a set curriculum as well as those who did not use a curriculum. I think these results speak for themselves.

One last concern I needed to research before we made the decision to home educate was that of post-secondary education. What would happen if my kids wanted to go to university but didn't have a high school diploma or transcript? As it turns out, there is more than one way to get into university: GED, challenging the Provincial Exams, taking the high school classes that are required, or taking community college classes and then transferring. Not only that, but many universities are specifically admitting home educated kids based on portfolios (and I'm even talking about places like Harvard and Yale), because they know that a student who is self-motivated with some life experience will be a good addition to their school. But this is far off for us, so I will do more research if and when the time comes.

As I stated above, I have read so much and it is hard to put into so few words everything that I have learned. And this post hasn't even begun to discuss the many benefits of unschooling (more to come on that later). But if I have piqued your interest even a little, I encourage you to read more about home education. A good place to start is my "unschooling resources" page.

but what about socialization?

As soon as I mention home education to anyone (besides other home educators), the first question is always, without fail, every single time, "But what about socialization?" Personally, I find the question absurd, but if you are wondering (and I know you are), please read on.

We first must define what you mean by "socialization."

Perhaps you are really asking, how will your kids learn how to be with 29 other kids their exact same age, all sitting quietly and listening to a teacher? How will they learn to get beaten up, bullied, excluded, and made fun of? How will they learn what it takes to be popular? How will they learn what it feels like to be unpopular? If this is what you are asking, I have a very short answer for you: they won't. And I don't care.

But perhaps you are asking, how will they make friends? Well, let me ask you this: where did you meet most of your friends? Work? Church? University? In your neighbourhood? At a book club? In an art class? Yoga? A support group? Hmmm...it seems there are quite a few places one can meet new friends. In fact, I would argue that there are quite a few places to meet new friends which are better than school. One thing that is crucial to a great friendship is having something in common with the other person. If you meet someone in an art class, you would both share a love of art. If you meet someone at church, you would share a belief system. However, if you meet someone at school, you would share the same birth year.

But I think of all the definitions of socialization, what you probably mean is something along the lines of this: if your kids don't go to school, how will they learn how to be a social being, to interact with people, to not be "socially awkward," to be comfortable in a group, etc, etc? I will answer your question with a question: how will your kids learn how to get along socially in the real world after being stuck in a classroom for 13+ years? If you really think about it, there is no other environment in the "real world" that is anything like school, where there are 30 kids and one authority figure. Well, possibly the army or a factory. But my point is that my kids are going to become social beings naturally. They will be interacting with real people in the real world. They will learn how to have a conversation with an adult. They will learn how to be friends with kids of all ages. They will be able to spend time doing real work with real people to mentor them. They will have time to take classes that interest them. They will go to church. So to answer your question, I am honestly more worried about schooled kids finding their way in the real world than I am about my kids.

I don't think this post would be complete without a mention of the stereotype that persists of the "awkward homeschool kid." Take a minute and think about some of the socially awkward people that you know. Probably most of them (if not all) went to school. I think that some people, regardless of their schooling, are just going to be awkward. It's part of their personality. And perhaps schooling actually causes social awkwardness in others. Think about the kids that are always being picked on, the unpopular kids, the kids with no friends. But of course, this is just my opinion, based on my own research and personal experience. So if my opinion doesn't convince you, there are studies which back up what I believe to be true. Dr. Thomas Smedley did a study which suggests that home educated kids actually have better socialization skills than publicly schooled kids. He administered the Vineyard Adaptive Behaviour Scales to all the kids, and the home learners ranked in the 84th percentile while the public schoolers ranked in the 27th. There are plenty of other studies, if you want to take some time to find them.

In conclusion, I am the first to admit that, YES, my kids will be different from most kids, but I don't think it's a question of "socialization." My kids won't be peer-dependent and adult-phobic. They won't be taught to unquestioningly submit to authority. They won't be dependent on others to tell them what to do. They won't be indoctrinated with society's consumerism. They won't be raised by their peers. They will learn to question the status quo. They will learn to find their own way. They will learn that they have the power to make their own choices. And for this, I am thankful.