why "early learning" doesn't help

I recently came across an interesting article from the Institute of Marriage and Family Canada. The article, called "Nurturing Children: Why 'early learning' doesn't help" is based on an interview with Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a Canadian developmental psychologist and best-selling author of Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers. (I haven't read his book yet, but it is definitely on my ever-growing "to read" list!)

The article is well worth reading in it's entirety, but to sum it up, Dr. Neufeld believes that kids don't need any sort of "early learning" until they are at least six years old - no daycare, no preschool, no junior kindergarten, no kindergarten. He says that parents put their kids into these sorts of programs under the impression that they need to be socialized, but Dr. Neufeld emphatically states, "Probably the greatest myth that has evolved is this idea that socializing with one's equals leads to socialization." Another developmental psychologist, Urie Bronfenbrenner has this to say: "It should be clear that being socialized is not necessarily the same as being civilized. Nazi youth were also products of a socialization process." The article defines socialization as "rendering children fit for society so that children can grow and mature into becoming contributing adults, who can respectfully interact with others in community, be it at work or home, with colleagues, family and friends....Socialization involves being able to get along with others while at the same time being true to oneself."

So then how does socialization happen? Attachment. We are social creatures, and it is important for us to have close relationships. It is through these relationships that we develop a sense of self, according to developmental psychologist John Bowlby. If children spend most of their time with peers, they become peer attached instead of developing a strong attachment to the adult(s) in their lives. If children create these peer attachments too early, they do not have a strong enough sense of self, and so are unable to hold on to their uniqueness. Peers become more and more alike, creating a "sameness" among children. Helen Ward (president of Kids First Parents Association) says that the problem with socializing at school is that "kid's 'friends' are not really 'friends' in any meaningful sense of the word. They are not mature people who can handle another's pain or difference of opinion. Peers want you to be the same as them."

Dr. Neufeld believes that the capacity for healthy relationships unfolds during the first six years of a person's life. He says that "by the fifth year of life, if everything is continuous and safe, then emotional intimacy begins. A child gives his heart to whomever he is attached to."

I, for one, would like my children to give their hearts to me. Before I even read this article or learned a whole lot about peer attachments, I knew that sending my kids to school would cause a change in our relationship. I just knew that sending our kids to daycares and preschools was something that I didn't want to do. Call it mother's intuition, or whatever, but I love that I now have research which backs up our decision to home educate! Because now I have a "legitimate" answer for anyone who asks me about socialization, or is worried that my kids aren't making enough friends.

The article also talks a bit to parents who are have already enrolled their kids in these types of "early learning" programs. If you have put your kid in early care because you think they need to be socialized,  Dr. Neufeld wants you to know that "this is not a researched reason to do so." For parents who need to have their kids in care because of full time employment, perhaps "unregulated" care in the home of a trusted adult would be better than a "one-size-fits-all" government regulated system, which is less personal and more distant from parents.

To this I would also add, perhaps you don't need to be employed at all. I stay at home to be with my kids. This means that we don't have fancy cars, we don't have a huge brand new house, we hardly ever go out to eat, we don't have cable, all our furniture is from Ikea or craigslist, we don't buy a lot of clothes, we don't go on expensive vacations, and we don't own a boat or trailer, but despite all this (or perhaps because of all this), we are happy. I know that there are many families who need two incomes to cover the basic necessities of life. I get it. But I also know that we have become a consumer culture, greedy for the newest and best of everything, so now both partners need to work to pay for all this stuff. Do we really need all this stuff?

I'm probably stepping on some toes here. But if you're mad at me, then at least I've got you thinking. And I'm ok with that.