The other day I was at the library with the kids. After picking out a giant heap of books (with topics ranging from turkeys, to space, to ballet, to structures, to sight, to storybooks and novels), the kids wanted to spend some time playing with the toys in the kids area. As unlikely as it may seem, I looked around at my kids, saw that all three were playing nicely, and decided that maybe I would have time to find a magazine and read a couple of articles. Naturally, I chose a parenting magazine (the September 2012 edition of Today's Parent), sat on the couch, sipped my unfortunately cold coffee, and opened it up.
I flipped through the magazine, scanning many articles, and quickly realized that this was the "back-to-school" issue. Great. I get 10 minutes to read something, and most of the articles are irrelevant to me. However, one particular article jumped out at me. It was just one page long, titled, "The Dreaded Drop-Off." It was all about how to drop-off your preschooler, kindergartner, or first grader at school, without tears (theirs) or guilt (yours). The article listed a number of reasons why a young child might get upset about going to school, and gave parents helpful hints about overcoming them. For example, if your child is afraid that you are going to drop him off at school and never pick him up again, you should leave some "collateral" with him, such as a watch or necklace, so that he knows you are coming back. Makes sense, right? Mom might not come back for me, but I know she would never abandon her watch. Another tip was to write "XO" on your child's palm, so that any time she needed a kiss from you, she could just press her palm to her lips. As a last resort, the article suggested good old-fashioned bribery: give him a sticker for the chart any day you drop him off without tears.
On the surface, this article seems helpful: a bunch of great tips on how to make your child feel better and stop crying every time you leave them at school. But what if we just didn't make them cry in the first place?
Let's think about the root of the problem for a moment. Your 5-year-old does not want to be separated from you for an entire day. Can you blame him? From birth (and even before), a mother is a child's whole world. She is the child's main source of nourishment, love, care, acceptance, laughter, comfort, play, and so many more things. Why do we assume that 5 is the magic age when a child is ready to spend most of his waking hours away from the one person he has come to depend on most? To go a step further, why do we think that "socialization" is so important that we need to isolate kids who are 3- and 4-years-old from their mothers as well?
Our western society has become almost obsessed with starting kids at school younger and younger. The earlier they start school, the more they will learn, right? As if 5 wasn't too early already, now it is completely normal to start a kid in "junior kindergarten" at age 4, which is a full-day program in many schools. And almost everyone starts their child in some sort of a preschool at age 3. But do these kids really need to start their schooling so young? If we take a look at Finland, which is widely regarded as having one of the best school systems in the world, we see another picture. Children in Finland do not start any formal instruction at all until age 7. (They also spend the least number of hours in the classroom, but that's off-topic for now.) And yet, they have higher test scores than kids from any other country. Clearly they didn't need to be taught anything before age 7.
As I read the article from Today's Parent, and as I hear parents talk (or post on facebook) about how upset they are at the thought of sending their "babies" away all day, I feel an overwhelming sadness. I am sad for the kids who just want a kiss from mommy, but all they get is an "XO" on their hand. I am sad for the kids who feel abandoned every morning. I am sad for the kids who are trying hard not to cry in front of their moms and peers. Even if homeschooling is not for everyone, maybe all that kids need is a couple more years with the person they love best.
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